


White Lies (No, Cowardice)

by darthearts



Series: Light [4]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 20:57:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8505130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthearts/pseuds/darthearts
Summary: Chaeyoung and Jungyeon both love Mina. Jungyeon is Chaeyoung's best friend.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Who doesn't love michaeng angst? Me. Watch as I contradict myself over and over again.
> 
> fallenstarsx has kindly made a playlist for this fic (thanks bb): https://play.spotify.com/user/samjuliah777/playlist/0i8QGf9ag1pwYGYEMZviBe

**1.)**

“I don’t love you,” Chaeyoung says and everything starts to come crashing down.

The room is barely illuminated by the dim light of the muted television. The figures on the television screen are speaking but Chaeyoung hears nothing but the drumming of her own dysfunctional heart. Her arms remain slack by her side but her hands are tightly clenched into fists. The girl in front of her is biting down on her lower lip harshly, looking like she might cry. The soft light caresses her cheeks, like a silent consolation. Even in the partial darkness, Chaeyoung can see that the light in the girl’s eyes that once seemed so bright is now faint, like the waning flame of a candle in the wind.

Neither of them says anything. Even so, the silence has never seemed so loud. Knowing that her voice will shake if she speaks, Chaeyoung just sinks her nails into the flesh of her palm, the pain anchoring her to reality. Her vision is getting blurry and she can feel the wetness trailing down her own face. Chaeyoung can barely see a wet shimmer in the girl’s eyes and she wonders if her own eyes reflect the same ache she is seeing right now.

She still looks so painfully beautiful.

The girl blinks and her pink soft lips part slightly in disbelief at the tears rolling down her cheeks. She looks at Chaeyoung with eyes that scream of anguish and hurt, like a silent cry for help. Even so, beyond the tears, Chaeyoung can still see love in them and that is the stake that drives through her heart. She wants to hug her, wipe the girl’s tears away and maybe tell her that she loves her. Chaeyoung’s arm jerks in response and she needs to still her own arm which will not listen to her. She just presses her nails deeper into her skin because she knows she no longer has the right to wipe the girl’s tears anymore.

The girl lets out a bitter chuckle before wiping her tears with her sleeve, “I know.”

The words claw at Chaeyoung’s heart and it takes everything in her to fight the urge to yell and scream. Her chest tightens and she inhales deeply, trying to get her heart to function right.

“I don’t love you, Mina,” Chaeyoung repeats monotonously. (The person she is trying to convince is really herself and not Mina.)

Her chest tightens even further, almost as if her heart knows how much of a lie those words are and how much it pains the both of them. Chaeyoung doesn’t know why she has to say those words a second time when it already hurts the first time. Her throat has gone dry but the tears do not stop. She doesn’t have the right to cry, not when she is the one doing the hurting.

Mina tries a laugh again but it comes out all wrong, somewhere in between a choke and a sob, “I know.”

It breaks the spell cast upon them and Mina backs away like she can no longer withstand Chaeyoung’s suffocating presence before retreating into her room, the door closing shut softly. (Even in her grief, everything that Mina does is still so gentle.) Chaeyoung feels her knees buckle and her legs give way, collapsing on the couch. The television just continues to flash its muted light, but all Chaeyoung can see is the dying light in Mina’s eyes.

She wipes her tears, laughing and cursing when she feels the moisture on the tips of her fingers. She notices the red crescent moons on her palm and she wonders why the marks don’t sting her as much as they should have.

The aftermath of a disaster, Chaeyoung just chuckles once again, feeling the tears course down her cheeks as she whispers to herself, “No, you will never know.”

 

**2.)**

Everything seems to remind Chaeyoung of Mina.

Even the raindrops that cascade down her face are a throbbing reminder of the tears that she saw. She shivers as the wind brushes against her, her soaked clothes sticking to her skin. Her newly bought shoes are drenched and they already appear worn out. It strikes a chord within Chaeyoung. Maybe it is because it is strangely reminiscent of all her attempts to move on (and all ending in failure). People are looking at her with disapproving eyes and she doesn’t blame them – she must look like a mess. (She feels like a mess, too.)

She spots Jungyeon in the café they are supposed to meet. Jungyeon is never punctual, she is always late and Chaeyoung, her best friend for more than five years, can vouch for that. Even Nayeon, Jungyeon’s childhood friend, can probably testify to that too.

Jungyeon is earlier than usual and Chaeyoung knows why. As she enters the café, a bell rings, signalling her arrival. The café staffs give her dirty looks because of her dripping clothes that are leaving puddles on the floor. She makes her way to Jungyeon and she sees how completely dry Jungyeon is as compared to her entirely wet self. She spots a pink umbrella in a corner that she recognizes – it belongs to Mina. Averting her eyes, she ignores its existence and sits opposite Jungyeon, the latter’s attention snapping to her instantly.

“You look like a disaster,” Jungyeon comments, passing her tissues to dry herself.

Chaeyoung only chuckles wryly at her friend’s choice of words, rejecting the tissues because she knows she will end up drenched again after this. Jungyeon pushes a cup of coffee to Chaeyoung and she recognizes that it’s caramel coffee, her favourite. She sips the warm beverage, blinking in surprise at how her heart wrings at the familiar taste.

The caramel coffee seems to have a bigger bite than before and she remembers the first time she bought it for the girl she is in love with.

(“So what did you get for me?”

“You said to surprise you so I bought you my favourite caramel coffee.”

“That’s not a surprise anymore, then. I’ve drunk it countless times.”

“Since when did you like caramel coffee?”

“Since you told me it was your favourite.”)

Hands are waving in front of her and she realizes that Jungyeon is looking at her weirdly. She clears her throat before focusing her thoughts on her friend instead. Jungyeon just shrugs it off before leaning forward excitedly.

“So did you ask Mina about it?”

The question triggers a flood of memories that overwhelm Chaeyoung, the girl needing to claw at her wet jeans in order to gain some semblance of control. She plasters a forced smile before proceeding to spew the prefabricated lies she weaved before entering the café.

“She said she likes you,” Chaeyoung lies through her teeth and she wonders when lying became so easy while telling the truth became so difficult.

Jungyeon nearly jumps in her seat as soon as she hears the lie. A hand flies to her mouth as she gasps in welcome surprise.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I actually have a chance. I really have to thank you for introducing me to your roommate,” Jungyeon says, patting Chaeyoung’s shoulder lightly in thanks. “What do you think I should do now? Should I ask her on a date, or is that too soon?”

Chaeyoung regrets introducing the both of them, because if not for her best friend, maybe she could have accepted Mina’s confession. But who is she kidding, really? It’s not Jungyeon’s fault for falling for Mina. It is her own fault for being too cowardly to fight for Mina and Chaeyoung knows that Mina doesn’t deserve someone like her, someone who is too passive and afraid.

Chaeyoung only smiles, lips pressed into a thin line as she replies, “It’s up to you. I think it would be okay either way.”

Jungyeon doesn’t notice anything amiss about the curt replies, far too absorbed in her own world. She starts raving about the different ways she might confess to Mina and it only reminds Chaeyoung of that night when Mina confessed to her (and Chaeyoung breaking Mina’s heart to bits). She tries not to think about that night because she thinks that if she believes it doesn’t exist, maybe it really won’t exist. But the memory invades her like a disease at random times, rendering her weak and heart-sick immediately.

Chaeyoung interrupts Jungyeon, wanting to be alone, because she cannot stand looking at the person who actually deserves Mina, “I need to leave. I have somewhere to be.”

“Oh,” Jungyeon finally looks at Chaeyoung. “Take this umbrella then. Wouldn’t want you to get sick.”

Chaeyoung thinks she is already sick so she just rejects her friend, “It’s okay.”

Her friend frowns in disapproval, shaking her head as she insists, “It’s Mina’s anyway. You’re living with her so give it back to her for me.”

“It doesn’t belong to me. She gave it to you so it’s yours,” Chaeyoung blurts, leaving the café quickly so that Jungyeon doesn’t force her to take the pink umbrella.

Standing in the pouring rain again, the rain is so loud; she can hardly hear her own throbbing heart. She figures it is a good thing that the ache is temporarily muted by the rain. At least she can’t hear the silent cries of her own heart as it pounds against her ribcage violently.

///

When she reaches home, she sees Mina studying in the living room. Papers filled with music notes are scattered on the coffee table and Mina is on the floor, glasses hanging on her nose bridge and a pen in her hand, busy sketching a new dance choreography. A memory flashes in Chaeyoung’s mind, one that seems so far away.

(“I don’t get why a dance major needs to know all this music theory. This feels like high school all over again. Do you see me using algebra since high school ended?”

“It’s just _one_ module on music theory, Mina. It’s easy.”

“It’s easy because you’re a music major, you stupid genius composer.”

“Will you still hate me if I help you?”

“I can never hate you. You know that.”)

The girl looks too beautiful, too smart, and too kind. She tucks a few stray strands of hair behind her ear, the act so feminine and delicate, Chaeyoung feels her heart twist. As she locks the door behind her, Mina looks at her with unadulterated pain in her eyes, but at least she tries a smile.

“Chaeng, how’s Jungyeon doing?”

“Good,” she replies curtly.

They have learned the intricate dance of avoidance and pretence, knowing how to tip-toe around eggshells with each other. It was a non-verbal agreement, one in which they act as if no one had confessed, or no one had rejected. (Even so, Mina always looks at Chaeyoung with eyes that hold a dangerous mixture of love and hurt, the clarity of it all nearly making Chaeyoung’s vision blur.) There has always been a kind of magnetism between them that even Chaeyoung cannot deny, getting into closer proximity when they pulled, and getting further away when they pushed.

Chaeyoung takes the white towel hanging on a dining chair, drying herself off with it. It doesn’t even take her a second to know that Mina prepared it for her, because Mina is someone whose actions speak louder than words. She shouldn’t take it – she doesn’t have any right to take it – but she does anyway, like the selfish person that she is.

“Thanks for this,” Chaeyoung says, raising the towel.

“You didn’t take an umbrella out. I would have lent you mine but it’s with Jungyeon,” Mina pauses before continuing, “Why didn’t you take mine from Jungyeon? I’m sure she would have given it to you.”

Chaeyoung just smiles, “I shouldn’t take what’s not mine.”

There is a flash of realization in Mina’s eyes upon hearing Chaeyoung’s words. The girl just stares at Chaeyoung blankly, like she just had some kind of epiphany. For a moment, the thought that Mina might know of her feelings briefly surfaces, but quickly gets buried because Mina just purses her pink lips and shrugs before turning back to her work. Chaeyoung still sees the hurt, mixed with some other emotion she cannot identify.

 “Instant noodles tonight, right?” Chaeyoung asks.

It is their routine to grab dinner every night together, but they both can hardly cook to save their lives, so dinner rotates according to a schedule. Sometimes it’s ramen, sometimes it’s pizza. It could also be Chinese takeway or Mina’s favourite yukhoe.

Chaeyoung doesn’t know why she desperately still clings on to this routine. (Perhaps it’s because it’s the only thing that is holding them together.)

She knows how much it must pain Mina, simply just by being around her. But Chaeyoung is selfish and far from a saint, so she gives in to her heart’s greed by making Mina stay as a friend. It only makes Chaeyoung feel even more like a terrible person.

Mina turns to her, pushing up her glasses, lips parted midway like she wants to say something. Chaeyoung panics internally, heart hammering away violently. But it seems like Mina decides not to say whatever is on her mind, the corner of her lips lifted into a thin smile instead.

“Right.”

The answer is more of a confirmation to Chaeyoung – that Mina isn’t leaving her, that she’s still going to stay. Her heart slows down in relief but nothing takes away the wrenching of her heart. She withdraws into her room like a coward and makes sure her door is shut, keeping Mina out of the confines of her room (but ironically always keeping her within the confines of her own heart.)

She is about to go shower when she passes by a photo on her desk. Picking it up gingerly, she brings it closer and she stares at the photo of her and Mina, taken on the day they celebrated Mina’s birthday. In the picture, they have their arms around each other, Mina’s arm slung over her shoulder while Chaeyoung’s hand lingers on Mina’s waist. They both look happy in the photo, back when things were simpler and nothing hurt. Now Chaeyoung has nothing but memories to hold.

Even so, the photograph in her hand feels too heavy.

She studies herself in the picture and she questions how Mina _doesn’t know_ when the look in her eyes says it all. Chaeyoung looks at Mina like a love letter with every word spelt out for her and the girl she loves still does not know.

Putting the photograph down, a brief notion of admitting her feelings arises, only to be crushed by the thought of Jungyeon. She swallows as she thinks of Jungyeon and the pink umbrella and how it doesn’t belong to her and never will.

She thinks of rightful places and she realizes that being beside Mina is not and will never be her rightful place.

 

**3.)**

Chaeyoung feels her heart clench the most when they are surrounded by friends. She needs to smile and smile and pretend everything is okay when her heart feels like it is getting ripped out.

Mina and Chaeyoung share the same circle of friends – Jungyeon and Nayeon – and it is never a good idea to complicate things within the circle. They are roommates, which is why they have to sit together at the diner, while Nayeon and Jungyeon sit opposite them. Jungyeon is blatantly obvious with her crush on Mina, preferring to stare at Mina instead of eating her food, and it makes Chaeyoung uncomfortable even though it should be Mina feeling the discomfort.

She loses her appetite about halfway in when Jungyeon starts talking about the song Chaeyoung has been working on recently. Jungyeon is making some animated hand gestures and loud laughter while teasing Chaeyoung’s composition. It irks her because the song is something that is close to her heart and it represents her and her voice, but it has been reduced to being the butt of Jungyeon’s jokes. She cannot help but grip the fork harder as Jungyeon undermines all that she has worked on.

“I swear, Chaeyoung’s self-composed songs have the cheesiest lyrics and it has something to do with, what, unrequited love? I cringe each time I read a single line,” Jungyeon guffaws, slapping her own thigh exaggeratedly.

“You’re exaggerating things,” Nayeon dismisses, waving a hand distractedly.

Chaeyoung has already stopped eating, pressing her thumb against the metal of the fork forcefully. Nobody notices how Chaeyoung has gone silent, or how tensed her jaw is.

“That’s cause you haven’t seen her lyrics. There was that one line which gave me chills. Shit, which was it, Chaeyoungie?” Jungyeon pauses to think before clapping her hands upon remembering. “Oh, ‘ _tonight, I think of you again without you knowing_ ’, isn’t that too greasy?”

Those words are only meant for Mina and it sickens Chaeyoung to hear them coming from Jungyeon’s mouth.

Chaeyoung drops her fork, the utensil clattering against the table. The chair hits the back of her knees and gets pushed loudly as she stands, garnering the attention of the other three. She forces her nails into her palm, wishing that the pain can stop her from saying words that might hurt Jungyeon – Jungyeon who has everything Chaeyoung wants, Jungyeon who gets Mina in the end, Jungyeon who— is her best friend.

“Don’t make fun of it like that,” she says quietly, not wanting to make a scene.

Mina has a hand on her elbow and she rubs soothing circles as she tries to appease Chaeyoung, “Don’t be mad. Jungyeon’s just joking.”

Her body moves before her mind can even process it. Before she knows it, she has already shaken off Mina’s hand, moving away from Mina’s touch like it burns her.

How can her song be a joke? How can her words be a joke? How can her feelings be a joke?

Worst of all, the girl she is writing the song for is also the same girl who thinks it is okay to poke fun at her feelings.

“Don’t touch me,” she spits, fully aware of the spite in her voice.

She doesn’t look at Mina because she knows that she will soften and she won’t be able to leave – Mina always makes her stay. She thinks that Mina probably hates her now, especially after she hurt her twice. She grabs her wallet and leaves the diner hurriedly, desperately trying to escape the stifling atmosphere she herself created. But then Mina says her name like she always does, full of fondness and affection that Chaeyoung thinks she does not deserve.

“ _Chaeng_.”

She makes the mistake of looking at Mina, whose eyes look too dark and closed off, unlike the usual clarity Chaeyoung usually finds. She doesn’t maintain the eye contact, doesn’t give Chaeyoung the chance to search for the light that is supposed to be in her eyes. She blinks before averting her eyes, looking at her lap instead.

(Chaeyoung’s heart clenches the same way it does whenever she sees Mina, but she ignores it, pretends that her heart doesn’t beat for the girl.)

She manages to get out, stumbling out the door carelessly. She doesn’t even know where to go now. Going back to the apartment she shares with Mina crosses her mind, but that will only suffocate her more. She gasps when she feels a rough hand on her wrist, whirling her around and she is greeted by Nayeon. The latter looks angry, with her eyebrows furrowed and an overly strong grip on her wrist.

“Nayeon unnie?”

“Why are you doing this?” Nayeon questions, refusing to let go of Chaeyoung’s wrist.

“Doing what?” Chaeyoung avoids the question, wincing in pain at Nayeon squeezing her wrist.

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she insists stubbornly.

Nayeon lets go of her wrist, her eyes softening as she does so. Nayeon looks at her with pity and sympathy, like she understands everything when really, no one does.

“I’m not as blind as Jungyeon. That song… It’s for her, isn’t it?” Nayeon asks even though she already has the answer.

The younger girl can no longer meet Nayeon’s eyes, so she just stares at the ground. Her throat is dry and her tongue suddenly feels too big for her mouth.

“The way you look at her, it’s obvious. I wonder why she doesn’t see it in your eyes,” Nayeon says and Chaeyoung chuckles wryly in response.

It’s a question Chaeyoung has repeatedly asked herself too many times.

“You’re too kind to Jungyeon.”

Nayeon pulls her into an embrace and it is not the same warmth she craves. Even so, she tells herself that nothing will ever be enough, so she just buries her face into the crook of Nayeon’s neck, chasing away her own greed for more.

“Jungyeon is my best friend,” she whispers, wishing that she wasn’t.

She finally lets herself cry and break down in Nayeon’s arms, the different warmth acting as a bitter reminder of all that she cannot have.

 

**4.)**

“Jungyeon asked me out today.”

Mina closes the door to their apartment, dropping the keys on the dining table as she kicks off her sneakers. Mina is collapsing beside her on the sofa, looking very tired. Chaeyoung looks up from her phone and blinks, feeling her heart lurch. She feels the sofa sink as Mina becomes one with the couch. Tightening her grip on her phone, she feigns nonchalance, making sure to fix a convincing smile as she turns to Mina.

“Yeah? What did you say?” she asks, bracing herself for the heartbreak.

Mina sits up before turning to Chaeyoung. The atmosphere is suddenly weighed down with silence, the lights so dim, Chaeyoung wonders when it got so dark. The apartment feels foreign all of a sudden. (Mina feels foreign.)

 “I said yes.”

No amount of preparation can steel Chaeyoung for the heartbreak that accompanies the words. She stills, blinking as a storm starts to form in her heart. Something pricks at her eyes and Chaeyoung knows it’s not dust. She looks down at her phone, hair spilling over to cover her face, hiding her expressions. Her phone screen is shaking and it does not take her long to realize that it is her who is trembling. Throat all tightened up, it takes her a while for her to reply.

“T—That’s nice,” is all she says because she can hardly keep the stuttering and quivering at bay.

“Yes.”

Mina agrees but there is something in the tone of her voice that suggests that she really means the converse. Chaeyoung hears more than the ‘yes’; she hears the hesitance before the answer and the regret after. She isn’t sure what to feel about that if she should be happy that Mina still has feelings for her, or hurt because Mina still has feelings for her.

“Well, I should head to bed. I’m sleepy,” Chaeyoung tries to excuse herself, still hanging her head low.

Lingering around is pointless because it only reminds her that the girl she loves but is someone she can never have. The atmosphere is stifling enough and it doesn’t help that she feels that she isn’t getting enough oxygen due to her constricted chest. She is doing what she does best – running away from her problems, away from Mina.

The simple thought of Mina being someone else’s, being _Jungyeon’s_ is enough to make her vision blur. She should be happy; after all, she was the one who rejected, the one who wanted her and Jungyeon together. (But what are these tears coursing down her cheeks?)

“We’re not having dinner?” Mina asks.

The question sounds nonchalant and innocent but it is enough to evoke more tears to fill her eyes. She knows she won’t be able to handle it, carrying on a routine with Mina like nothing has happened, like she doesn’t feel anything at all. A dull routine that binds them together as nothing more than mere roommates, a routine which Chaeyoung selfishly insisted, a routine which means nothing and everything all at once.

She doesn’t lift her head to look at Mina, for she knows that Mina should not see the tears clouding in her eyes. Not being able to see Mina makes Chaeyoung wonder if the girl is even aware of how letting go of this routine might just kill her.

A long silence stretches and Mina does nothing to break it, just stands there, patiently awaiting Chaeyoung’s answer. Chaeyoung closes her eyes, causing more tears to escape. She smiles, even though Mina cannot see it.

“No,” Chaeyoung says, knowing that she is going to regret her words. “I’m tired.”

Chaeyoung doesn’t wait for Mina’s reply, rushing into her own room and locking the door like the coward she is. Not even bothering to turn on the lights, the room stays dark and silent. As if on cue, it starts to rain outside (like her heart) and all of a sudden, the raindrops are crashing hard and fast on her window, the continuous pitter patter starting to sound a lot like static to her.

As she stands in the middle of the darkness, she watches as droplets of rain turn suicidal, falling without a care for consequences. When she closes her eyes, it almost feels as if she is in the rain.

And she wishes she had a pink umbrella to shelter her from the storm.

 

**5.)**

Mina no longer looks at her with eyes that scream of anguish and hurt. That is how Chaeyoung realizes that Mina has fallen for someone else better, fallen for someone worthy of her love. Mina looks at her like nothing pains her anymore and Chaeyoung finds herself crying to sleep every night with the thought of Mina in mind. She cries for missed opportunities, her own stupidity, and Mina’s happiness.

The girl’s eyes are bright like they used to be, like they should be and Chaeyoung knows that she is not the one to put the stars in Mina’s eyes.

That is why she decides to leave.

She packs her life into a luggage and parks it in her room as she lies on her bed, waiting for Mina to come home to her (one last time). Not having Mina within arm’s reach will hurt, but Chaeyoung is sure that nothing will hurt more than seeing Mina in the arms of another.

She looks around her room that has been stripped bare of her belongings and possessions. It looks nothing like what it was; the walls that used to be decorated with polaroids and photos are now naked and empty. She wonders how things can change so drastically and why memories are the only pathetic things that last.

The door bell sounds and she hears the door handle jiggling, instinctively knowing that Mina is having trouble unlocking the door. By the time she’s out of her room and in the living room, Mina is slipping her shoes off and smiling like Sunday is the only day of the week.

“Chaeng, I bought your favourite caramel coffee,” she says, lifting the cardboard carrier for Chaeyoung to see. “I was at the café with Jungyeon so I decided to get one for you.”

“Thanks,” Chaeyoung mumbles, unsure of how to start telling Mina that she is leaving.

Mina goes off to shower, leaving Chaeyoung alone in the living room. The latter picks up the caramel coffee, shaking it slightly, watching the brown liquid swirl in the plastic cup.  Droplets of water have already condensed on the surface of the cup and it gets her hands wet. She ignores it and takes a tentative sip. The caramel is burnt thoroughly and she cringes at the bitterness. The thought of Jungyeon suddenly invades her mind and it nearly makes her choke.

She spits out the caramel coffee into the sink, watching it stain the aluminium steel a dirty brown. The bitterness lingers in her mouth and she washes down the aftertaste immediately with water.

When did she start to despise caramel coffee?

///

Chaeyoung sits on the couch with her luggage beside her, successfully surprising Mina. The girl is drying her hair with a white towel, face bare of makeup, but still looking breathtakingly beautiful.  Mina pauses in the middle of the living room in front of Chaeyoung, tilting her head curiously upon seeing the luggage. And then it manages to register in her head, the girl frowning and glaring at the innocent luggage before shifting the glower to Chaeyoung.

“What is the meaning of _this_?” she hisses.

Mina has never sounded so angry to Chaeyoung before – the girl has always been gentle and soft. But now there is a sharper edge to her voice, cuttingly furious and livid. Chaeyoung wants to question why she has never seen this side of Mina before, and then realizes that Mina was in love with her before.

Was.

“I’m—I’m leaving,” Chaeyoung trips over her words, not daring to meet Mina’s eyes.

“Leaving? Why? To where?” Mina is interrogating her and even though her volume stays the same, her tone does not, seemingly like the calm before the storm.

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Why are you leaving?”

“Because—” _I still love you, because I need to move on, because if I stay, I’ll never stop loving you_. “I want to grow up.”

“Is this because of the confession? I know it was uncomfortable for you but you don’t have to feel burdened anymore!”

She wishes she knew why her heart feels heavier after knowing that Mina belongs to Jungyeon. The girl Chaeyoung still loves is starting to sound exasperated, like she thinks that Chaeyoung’s reason for leaving is unreasonable. Her fists are clenched and her eyes are flashing with suppressed rage and Chaeyoung doesn’t blame her; she knows that she is burning bridges that Mina is desperately trying to salvage.

“And why is that?” she asks, even though she knows the answer by heart.

Mina runs a hand through her hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. Chaeyoung just bites her lips, waiting for the answer that will break her heart.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

She didn’t think the words could do more damage to her wretched heart, but they are reopening old wounds and carving out new ones. The words plunge themselves into her chest like a blunt knife, twists and wrings so that the hurt overflows. She remembers saying these same words to Mina and she has never felt karma bite back so harshly.

Chaeyoung only laughs bitterly.

“I know.”

“Then why are you leaving me?” Mina asks softly, like all the initial anger has drained out of her and all that’s left is disappointment and dejection.

Chaeyoung can feel herself shaking, emotions running high, “I need to grow up.”

Mina then looks at her with eyes as bright as the stars, except that instead of the usual twinkle, it is replaced with a wet shimmer instead. Chaeyoung doesn’t know why Mina feels so far away when they are just an arm’s length away from each other. She doesn’t know why all she does is make Mina cry. She doesn’t know why she is still a child who runs away from her problems.

“Can I make you stay?” she tries, voice unstable, and lower lip trembling.

Because she is terrified, because she wants what is best for both of them, because the truth seems to hurt more than white lies, she decides to leave.

 “No,” she lies, tears in her eyes, an act of cowardice.

 

**6.)**

The café is playing a song that sounds too familiar to Chaeyoung.

It’s raining again – the kind of rain that paints the sky a dreary grey, the kind that sets melancholy into hearts, the kind that people sing about in sad love songs (like the one playing now). There are hardly any people out on the streets, save for the occasional passerby desperately trying to stay dry with umbrellas that hardly do their job.

Chaeyoung watches as a girl dashes to a bus stop, the girl holding her bag above her head to keep dry. It’s not a very effective method because the girl has to wring her clothes once she is sheltered from the rain. It makes Chaeyoung ponder – why was the girl in the rain, where did she come from, is she happy or sad today? Because every individual has their own story, but Chaeyoung wonders if every story has a happy ending.

It hasn’t been long since she left Seoul, venturing to Busan instead. Three hours away from Seoul, her friends had initially complained about the long distance. Jungyeon and Nayeon had taken the time to see her off at the train station. (Someone didn’t.) Jungyeon had cried buckets, acting as if Chaeyoung was flying to another country even though she was just going to Busan. Nayeon had packed her hard-boiled eggs and kimbap for the train ride there and sent her off with a tight embrace – her way of taking care of people.

Jungyeon had pestered her for reasons why and Chaeyoung only smiled and said that she needed a change of environment for music inspiration. Nayeon had only flashed a smile, albeit sad, and accepted her decision.

It was for the best and Chaeyoung knows this well. She has managed to sell a few of her songs to a few entertainment companies and this is the most successful she has ever been so far. She has made some new friends in the neighbourhood and Nayeon and Jungyeon come over to visit sometimes to chase away the loneliness.

(It’s just that sometimes, she forgets that she’s living alone and ends up ordering dinner for two.)

Chaeyoung chuckles at her own silliness, shaking her head slowly as she stirs her espresso. The steam warms her cold hands and the beverage is quite appropriate on a slightly chilly day. She takes a sip of it, the hot beverage scalding her tongue a little as she drinks. The plain bitterness makes her grab two packets of sugar; she still hasn’t gotten used to the taste of espresso.

The cashier suddenly calls out her name and she looks towards the counter in surprise. Getting up from her seat, she makes her way to the counter, only to have a cup placed in front of her. Thoroughly confused because she doesn’t remembering ordering another drink, she scratches the back of her neck sheepishly.

“Uh, I didn’t order this.”

The barista raises an eyebrow, “Your name is Chaeyoung, right?”

“Yeah.” Chaeyoung nods, totally confused.

Before the barista starts to lecture her on how she shouldn’t mix up orders, another barista interrupts, “Some girl told us to put your name. She said she wanted to buy it for you.”

Chaeyoung gasps immediately, blinking in disbelief as she asks, “What coffee is this?”

“Caramel coffee.”

Everything in her stills. Instincts tell her to bolt out of the café and into the pouring rain to look for the girl, but she pauses in her tracks, merely walks back to her seat with the cup in hand, dumbly staring out the window. Despite herself, her eyes still strain in search of a pink umbrella, only to be greeted by nothing but dull monochrome. Yet, Chaeyoung doesn’t feel the disappointment seeping in, her heart starting to feel lighter instead.

The cup feels cold to the touch, strangely reminiscent of the cold weather. The song playing is suddenly a lot louder than before to Chaeyoung and she hears the lyrics she knows by heart. She pushes away the espresso, sipping the caramel coffee instead. It is a taste she is well-acquainted with, but it feels different today – sweeter than usual but not overbearingly so. The bitterness doesn’t leave a bite and she relishes in the comfort it brings.

As the last notes of the song fade away, she smiles, her heart chanting the words that she always wanted to say.

_Tonight, I think of you again without you knowing._


End file.
